January 23, 2019
Recently I shared on my Instagram story a bit about one of the things that underpins Claxton+Co. - More Than Mumma. This whole idea is still something I am very much still processing and it is continuously evolving - almost every week I have a different thought, but I wanted to share a bit about where I am coming from with it.
I wasn't, and still am not, a hugely maternal person. I didn't particularly enjoy kids and being a mum certainly wasn't "all I ever dreamed of being". My husband, Ben, and I had started trying for a baby a few years before we fell pregnant with O Boy, but the timing didn't feel quite right for me. I wasn't ready to give up some things, so we put it on hold. To be honest, I don't think there is ever a right time.
Add to that, the fact I was at the top of my game, career-wise. I was working as an events manager, doing a bit of travel, meeting new people and generally just living and loving life. So much of what I felt defined me as a person was wrapped up in my work, so it was hardly surprising that I found the transition from career women to mum especially hard. I worked a week up until O Boy was due. One week I was working full time, the next week I was a full time mum with a tiny baby who wouldn't breastfeed or sleep. To say it was a shock to the system would be a complete understatement. I bonded well with O Boy, but I mourned the loss of my old life, especially my work. As an event manager I was very much used to being in control, and if there is one thing you have to let go of when you have a baby, it is control. But it went beyond a loss of control, of travel and the nine to five. I felt as though I had lost a big part of my identity. I wasn't sure who I was any more.
If I am honest, I am still coming to grips with this loss of identity. I am continuing to work part time as an event manager, along with running this little side hustle, and the wife, mum and life juggle. Life is busy. But is it fulfilling? If I am completely honest, no - not always.
When you become a mum, everything changes. So much of the stuff that used to be important, just isn't that important anymore. You don't have time to do all the things you used to, so some things have to be let go. Life is busy, there is very little down time, very little thinking time, even less time to action your thoughts. It's hard to figure out if, and how, the 'old you' fits in to all of this. Or even if the old you actually even exists any more.
Three years in and I am still very much on the path to finding my new rhythm. But for now, I feel it is time to let the old me go, to farewell the elusive ghost of the past me, so I can move forward.
I am a wife, daughter, sister and friend. I’m an organiser, a planner, a go-getter. I’m all big ideas and big plans. I am a listener and an encourager, a gift giver. I’m a sleep lover, and a coffee shunner, with a fondness for chocolate. I’m a baker and a creator. I am confident, yet unsure. I am an introvert. I’m a reader of books and a reality TV watcher. I am a mum.
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